Four

Four years ago today the little girl who made me a mom was born. Her labor was long and hard. 20 plus hours to get my 8 pound, 21 3/4 inch girl into this world. I will never forget the moment she was here, placed on my chest after 40 weeks and 5 days of carrying her in belly. The nine months I carried her was nothing compared to the years of anticipation I had waited to become a mother. I remember in elementary school being so eager to grow up and get married so I could be a mom. It was the only thing out of life I ever really wanted. And then finally at 26 years old she was here except, not the way I had dreamed. Because in all of my imagining, dreaming and hoping I never thought that she would be silent. 

I'm still in shock about it even four years later. How is this really my life, my story. How can you do everything "right" follow all the rules of falling in love, getting married creating a home, want and plan for your child just to lose them? 

I have come to the conclusion that it will never make sense to me. I will never be okay with what happened to me, my family and Addison. Never. There is a permanent hole in my heart that can never be filled.

I live with missing Addison every.single.day she is always on my mind. I thought I would always just miss the infant I held, but today most of all I miss my four year old. I miss planning a birthday party in the midst of Christmas chaos. I miss that we are not apart of the Disney Frozen craze with princess themed everything. I miss the sound of her voice and ache that I never got to hear a sound exit her lips. 

I miss all that Addison would be. For me, for her daddy, her little brother and all of her family and our friends that miss her with me.

Addi,

Happy fourth birthday my beautiful girl. I miss you with every breath I take. I would do it all again just to hold you one more time. To see your silky blonde hair, your nose like mine, your daddy's chin, your long skinny fingers and your round cheeks. You were worth it all.  

Love,

mommy

For the first time in such a public space, we introduce our beautiful daughter, Addison Eloise Crawford. We love you to the moon, Addi. 

Addison

Our Story of a full term stillbirth

On Saturday (12/4/10) I woke up at 2:30, this was pretty normal.  I hadn’t felt the baby move much, but felt her by 4:30 and was able to go back to sleep.  Brian woke me up at 8:30 as he knew I had a scheduled none stress test appointment to attend that morning. Brian left for work and I woke up and began to get ready.  It all seemed like a normal morning until I noticed she hadn’t moved since I had been awake.  I thought some sugar might get her moving so I drank some orange juice and…nothing. She has had her quieter mornings so I tried not to worry, but was eager to get to my appointment to hear her on the monitor.

I drove to the hospital and checked in to my appointment for 10am.  I was greeted by a wonderful nurse.  She welcomed me and got me set up for my test.  I told her I hadn’t felt the baby move since 4:30am, she told me not to worry and started looking for the heart beat. She tried to keep me as calm as possible as she searched for one tiny heart beat…nothing, she called in another nurse…nothing, as they brought in the doctor I asked if I needed to call my husband (with every new person they brought in my heart began to race faster and faster…I mean here I am at 40 and a half weeks pregnant and everything has been so good, certainly nothing bad would be happening…right?!? After the doctor and the sonographer were unable to locate the heart beat we knew that was it.  I remember begging and pleading them to find it and the looks on everyone’s faces.  Devastation is a word that doesn’t even begin to describe it. Through my screams and sobs they were able to call Brian and my parents.  The nurse climbed into bed and held me until Brian got there.  Poor Brian was told that he needed to come to the hospital, that I was physically ok, but things were not ok.

Brian got there in what seemed like minutes.  He says he could hear my cries down the hallway. He climbed into bed with me and we just held each other and cried. After some time we were moved to a room where we discussed our “options”.  We could either go home or wait for natural labor to set in or they could induce labor and help this process along.  I couldn’t imagine going home with this news and Brian agreed so I was admitted to the Hospital. It was amazing how fast everything seemed to go. I felt like no time had passed, but hours had gone by.  I was hooked up to machines and labor had started. I was given an epidural so I wouldn’t have to be in much physical pain.  After hours had passed the epidural started to fade and the pain was becoming unbearable.  They were talking C-section as the baby’s face was turned and they were unsure as to if I could deliver her naturally. I was put into different positions every 30 minutes to try and rotate her. I was determined not to have a C-section.

At about 2am we were told we were at least 8 hours away from delivery, so we sent home our family and tried to get some sleep. It was the worst sleep we have ever gotten, but it was the best we could get.  I was in pain and breathing through contractions and Brian was awake at every noise I made. He was truly amazing through this whole process.

Family came back in the morning and I started to feel the urge to push around 9am.  We decided the delivery would just be for the two of us and asked the family to wait in the room next door. At 10:40am on Sunday December 5, 2010, she was here.  Addison Eloise Crawford our long awaited baby girl, perfect in every way except that she was not ours to keep. It turns out the cord had gotten wrapped around her neck two times (nuchal cord) and one was so tight that is wasn’t even noticed at first. I guess she couldn’t wait to start on the gymnastics we had been promising her. We were able to hold her and love her and when we were ready the family came in, two at a time, to love her with us. She was 8lbs, 21 ¾ inches blonde hair, blue eyes, my nose and Brian’s chin, just the perfect combination of the two of us. Everything we could have ever wanted for our baby.

We were able to dress her and take pictures and really just be with her and look into this face that we waited so long to see. We all fell in love with her instantly and there wasn’t a dry eye in the place.

We had someone say that this must be the worst day of our lives and it really wasn’t, hearing she has no heart beat on the 4^th was, but this day, December 5^th the day we got to see our baby and hold her, however bitter sweet was still the day we met our beautiful baby girl Addison and one that we will treasure for the rest of our lives.

Addison was the most amazing baby that I was given the privilege to carry. She was ever so gentle in her movements and whenever she poked me too much a gentle rub from me would have her backing off right away. I have to believe she was going to be as kind and gentle on the outside as she was on the inside. She will forever be in our hearts and on our minds as she was and is our daughter.

Thank you all for your love and support.

Keleen & Brian

* Donations in Addisons name can be made to the Tears Foundation
http://www.thetearsfoundation.org/page.php?id=20


*I continue to blog about our journey on another site please email me at keleenc@yahoo.com to be added. I especially welcome fellow BLM's to follow.








*We would like to thank Dr. Bell and nurses Dodie and Shannon for their compassion and support.

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift."
--Elizabeth Edwards (7/3/49-12/7/10)