Four years ago today the little girl who made me a mom was born. Her labor was long and hard. 20 plus hours to get my 8 pound, 21 3/4 inch girl into this world. I will never forget the moment she was here, placed on my chest after 40 weeks and 5 days of carrying her in belly. The nine months I carried her was nothing compared to the years of anticipation I had waited to become a mother. I remember in elementary school being so eager to grow up and get married so I could be a mom. It was the only thing out of life I ever really wanted. And then finally at 26 years old she was here except, not the way I had dreamed. Because in all of my imagining, dreaming and hoping I never thought that she would be silent.
I'm still in shock about it even four years later. How is this really my life, my story. How can you do everything "right" follow all the rules of falling in love, getting married creating a home, want and plan for your child just to lose them?
I have come to the conclusion that it will never make sense to me. I will never be okay with what happened to me, my family and Addison. Never. There is a permanent hole in my heart that can never be filled.
I live with missing Addison every.single.day she is always on my mind. I thought I would always just miss the infant I held, but today most of all I miss my four year old. I miss planning a birthday party in the midst of Christmas chaos. I miss that we are not apart of the Disney Frozen craze with princess themed everything. I miss the sound of her voice and ache that I never got to hear a sound exit her lips.
I miss all that Addison would be. For me, for her daddy, her little brother and all of her family and our friends that miss her with me.
Happy fourth birthday my beautiful girl. I miss you with every breath I take. I would do it all again just to hold you one more time. To see your silky blonde hair, your nose like mine, your daddy's chin, your long skinny fingers and your round cheeks. You were worth it all.
For the first time in such a public space, we introduce our beautiful daughter, Addison Eloise Crawford. We love you to the moon, Addi.